Yeah, dude. I was this like, star football player and suddenly I'm being sent to therapy to talk about my feelings? It was excruciating. I flipped my shit so many times.
There's also like... upbringing and society at play, right? Like, we're taught feelings are embarrassing, and a man shouldn't ask for help, and all sorts of toxic shit.
Hawthornes don't shout, Hawthornes don't make a scene, Hawthornes don't react. Hawthornes definitely don't do therapy. I was never very good at being a Hawthorne, but, yeah. I used to hear that stuff all the time.
[ He hesitates, fingers still wringing around each other. ]
I guess I also worry about...everything's a mess for me, you know? I do my head in overthinking everything and I get so low, and then I throw myself into work, and...I know I'm a lot. And I worry that if I do talk about what I'm feeling or thinking, then whoever's hearing it is just gonna decide I'm too much. And they'll leave me.
I used to worry about that with Stephen all the time.
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I always think my shit's embarrassing when I say it out loud. Doesn't matter who I'm saying it to.
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There's also like... upbringing and society at play, right? Like, we're taught feelings are embarrassing, and a man shouldn't ask for help, and all sorts of toxic shit.
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[ Nate smiles, and leans back. ]
Hawthornes don't shout, Hawthornes don't make a scene, Hawthornes don't react. Hawthornes definitely don't do therapy. I was never very good at being a Hawthorne, but, yeah. I used to hear that stuff all the time.
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[ His own parents weren't like that, but he was still using 'gay' as an insult well into his teens. ]
It takes time to unlearn all that.
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[ He hesitates, fingers still wringing around each other. ]
I guess I also worry about...everything's a mess for me, you know? I do my head in overthinking everything and I get so low, and then I throw myself into work, and...I know I'm a lot. And I worry that if I do talk about what I'm feeling or thinking, then whoever's hearing it is just gonna decide I'm too much. And they'll leave me.
I used to worry about that with Stephen all the time.
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[ It's messed up, but Caleb gets it. He had the same concerns, still has them sometimes. ]
But the people worth having around will stay.
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He nods.
Yeah, to him it's confirmation of the thing he's always feared. He was finally too much. ]
That's what I'm trying to tell myself. It's just...
[ A sigh. ]
It's not something I wanted to be right about, you know?
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I mean, I know this is still very fresh, but it wouldn't be fair for you and for the people close to you to distance yourself because of this.
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Anyway, I'd just be heartbroken all over again, if I did.