[ He does know. He could teleport immediately, but he gives Caleb fifteen minutes or so, and then arrives at the front door. He knocks, feeling on edge, because he always does in advance of a session. They help him, but it's--
Hard. It doesn't get easier.
But he's here because he needs, it so. He waits for Caleb to answer. ]
It feels wrong to hit you with something by text without any warning. You're not like, my on duty therapist 24/7. You get to tell me if it's not a good time.
[ He just follows Caleb, and hovers in the doorway of whatever room he's moved to. ]
I, uh. I died, again. Except I didn't really, because I've a necklace that prevents it, but without that I was dead, so. My mind keeps going back to that. It's like a threat I can't get away from.
[ Nate doesn't look at him. He looks away, towards the window, though he's not really seeing it. ]
The...demon, who got Nick, and made him open a portal to hell?
He found me, wanted me to do it. I said no, we fought. Took me by surprise, because I knew him, but he was a lot stronger that day. I wasn't prepared. It was like being hit by a truck.
[ He takes a breath, and it shakes a little. ]
The necklace kept me alive by a hair, but I got hit hard. I was in a coma for a week. Took a healing potion when I woke up, looked fine.
It's not fine. Ever since that first time, I feel like Death's right there. Right over my shoulder, waiting for the next chance. It's fucking terrifying. And my dreams came back.
[ Caleb knew about the demon attack. He also knows about the other guy, William, but he didn't know Nate had been attacked.
He pours two cups of coffee while they're talking, but he's very clearly paying attention while he does. He just doesn't want Nate to feel like he's under scrutiny or anything. ]
You're always doing so much. Sometimes you gotta let the shitty feelings catch up— what do you dream of?
[ He offers him a cup. It's decent coffee, decaf because Caleb's patients are all young, hyperactive people, and he doesn't want to send them off on a coffee high. ]
[ Nate reaches to take the coffee, and just holds it in his hands. It's a good ploy, the coffee thing. His throat has a way of closing up during these conversations. Drinking is a good way to open it. ]
Of the first time, [ he says, quietly. ] The Headless Horseman coming for me like on that Halloween. He hides inside people I love. Then other times I dream I'm a ghost again and I'm just like...screaming for people to hear me, and they can't. That happened the first time, too. It was worse than dying. Dying was quick, the ghost part lasted for days.
[ Nate's only talking about it and Caleb can feel the anxiety coming out of him in waves. He touches Nate's arm and leads him to the living room so they can sit down. ]
How'd you handle them?
[ He knows a few tricks to teach yourself how to lucid dream. It takes practice, but it might be more helpful in the long-term than a magical solution. ]
[ Nate goes where he's led, and he sits. It occurs to him to set the coffee mug down on a table or a shelf, so he looks for one, and then puts his hands together. ]
I made a potion. Dreamless Sleep, I call it. It takes them away. I take that for a while, then ease back into normal sleep. The dreams aren't constant anymore. But they get triggered, usually by like...other people's murders.
But also, the demon thing. That did it. I hate when I have the dreams, it just reminds me of how not over all of this I am.
You don't have to be over them. It'd be kinda scary if you were, honestly? Like, the dreams and the anxiety, it means you're having a normal response to trauma.
[ Caleb sits across from him, close enough to talk, but not enough to crowd him. ]
I get that you just don't wanna have the dreams, but we kinda need them, it's your subconscious trying to work shit out.
[ Nate's quiet, on edge. His anxiety can be seen in his fingers, which keep worrying each other, and in the tension in his jaw, and in the way his shoulders hunch over themselves. ]
But it's been...a year and a half. More than. And they still happen and it's not like anything here is gonna stop triggering them.
[ He ends up lifting the coffee cup again, just to have something to do with his hands. ]
And then when I woke up, from that like week long coma, Anna was gone again. And then I found out Nick got taken by the same demon, and then...Nick had a bunch of other shit going on that terrified me, which i can't talk about because it's his, but he was like, significant. And now Magnus is gone. Which is like the perfect cap to the last few months, honestly.
I just keep...losing. Sooner or later I'm gonna die again, there's just no possible way I get to escape that. And everyone I love will just filter away, one after the other and there's nothing I can do about any of it. Any of it.
[ It's not super professional to share that, but he also knows about Nate and Nick's empathy bond and being an empath himself he figures they worry about each other pretty much constantly. ]
I think maybe we gotta address one thing at a time because it's all so much, and it's a lot going on for you personally, on top of a lot going on for the people around you.
[ Which is extra heavy because Nate usually takes care of other people before taking care of himself. So this is the culmination of a few months of a lot of shit going on. ]
[ Nate's quiet, and then he just nods. He finally drinks some of that coffee, and then he stares into it, like all the answers can be found in that black pool. ]
[ It is the biggest thing. For him, it always has been. ]
I...
It's the thing that gets me the most, I guess? It's the third time, the first being the time I actually died, and the second being about six months later when the necklace saved me the first time.
And now there's this. It's like it's chasing me. It's everywhere. And I know it happens to a lot of people here and somehow they seem like they're okay with that and I just...don't understand that. I don't know how this isn't everyone's biggest thing.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
wanna drop by?
no subject
i don't think i'm dealing with it very well
by which i mean i went on a huge bender at the scratch and that's probably, like
in retrospect
not ideal
no subject
[ He figures Nate knows where Noah lives, but he sends a location pin anyway. ]
no subject
[ He does know. He could teleport immediately, but he gives Caleb fifteen minutes or so, and then arrives at the front door. He knocks, feeling on edge, because he always does in advance of a session. They help him, but it's--
Hard. It doesn't get easier.
But he's here because he needs, it so. He waits for Caleb to answer. ]
Hey. Thanks for seeing me.
no subject
And by now he's used enough to Nate's feelings that his anxiety is expected. ]
Hey, no problem. And if you ever wanna talk via text or on the phone some time, I know some people have an easier time with that.
[ Nick loves texting, and half of the time it feels like breakthroughs come much easier for him when he's not in the same room as Caleb. ]
Cal and Noah are out, so we can just hang here.
no subject
[ Nate chews his lip, and then sighs. ]
It feels wrong to hit you with something by text without any warning. You're not like, my on duty therapist 24/7. You get to tell me if it's not a good time.
[ He just follows Caleb, and hovers in the doorway of whatever room he's moved to. ]
I, uh. I died, again. Except I didn't really, because I've a necklace that prevents it, but without that I was dead, so. My mind keeps going back to that. It's like a threat I can't get away from.
no subject
But then Nate says he died and that's immediately more important. ]
What happened?
no subject
The...demon, who got Nick, and made him open a portal to hell?
He found me, wanted me to do it. I said no, we fought. Took me by surprise, because I knew him, but he was a lot stronger that day. I wasn't prepared. It was like being hit by a truck.
[ He takes a breath, and it shakes a little. ]
The necklace kept me alive by a hair, but I got hit hard. I was in a coma for a week. Took a healing potion when I woke up, looked fine.
It's not fine. Ever since that first time, I feel like Death's right there. Right over my shoulder, waiting for the next chance. It's fucking terrifying. And my dreams came back.
[ He chews his lip. ]
But I know how to handle them now.
no subject
He pours two cups of coffee while they're talking, but he's very clearly paying attention while he does. He just doesn't want Nate to feel like he's under scrutiny or anything. ]
You're always doing so much. Sometimes you gotta let the shitty feelings catch up— what do you dream of?
[ He offers him a cup. It's decent coffee, decaf because Caleb's patients are all young, hyperactive people, and he doesn't want to send them off on a coffee high. ]
no subject
Of the first time, [ he says, quietly. ] The Headless Horseman coming for me like on that Halloween. He hides inside people I love. Then other times I dream I'm a ghost again and I'm just like...screaming for people to hear me, and they can't. That happened the first time, too. It was worse than dying. Dying was quick, the ghost part lasted for days.
no subject
How'd you handle them?
[ He knows a few tricks to teach yourself how to lucid dream. It takes practice, but it might be more helpful in the long-term than a magical solution. ]
no subject
I made a potion. Dreamless Sleep, I call it. It takes them away. I take that for a while, then ease back into normal sleep. The dreams aren't constant anymore. But they get triggered, usually by like...other people's murders.
But also, the demon thing. That did it. I hate when I have the dreams, it just reminds me of how not over all of this I am.
no subject
[ Caleb sits across from him, close enough to talk, but not enough to crowd him. ]
I get that you just don't wanna have the dreams, but we kinda need them, it's your subconscious trying to work shit out.
no subject
But it's been...a year and a half. More than. And they still happen and it's not like anything here is gonna stop triggering them.
[ He ends up lifting the coffee cup again, just to have something to do with his hands. ]
And then when I woke up, from that like week long coma, Anna was gone again. And then I found out Nick got taken by the same demon, and then...Nick had a bunch of other shit going on that terrified me, which i can't talk about because it's his, but he was like, significant. And now Magnus is gone. Which is like the perfect cap to the last few months, honestly.
I just keep...losing. Sooner or later I'm gonna die again, there's just no possible way I get to escape that. And everyone I love will just filter away, one after the other and there's nothing I can do about any of it. Any of it.
no subject
[ It's not super professional to share that, but he also knows about Nate and Nick's empathy bond and being an empath himself he figures they worry about each other pretty much constantly. ]
I think maybe we gotta address one thing at a time because it's all so much, and it's a lot going on for you personally, on top of a lot going on for the people around you.
[ Which is extra heavy because Nate usually takes care of other people before taking care of himself. So this is the culmination of a few months of a lot of shit going on. ]
no subject
Maybe.
[ A breath. ]
So where do we go first?
no subject
[ It's what came up first, although it might be just what Nate feels is the Biggest thing. ]
no subject
I...
It's the thing that gets me the most, I guess? It's the third time, the first being the time I actually died, and the second being about six months later when the necklace saved me the first time.
And now there's this. It's like it's chasing me. It's everywhere. And I know it happens to a lot of people here and somehow they seem like they're okay with that and I just...don't understand that. I don't know how this isn't everyone's biggest thing.