[ nothing on her dom-finder profile had been terribly personal or disarming, but she could think of a few embarrassing facts on others, now that she's putting thought towards it. alina is just a little too self-involved to notice that sort of thing without prompting. ]
The last one published the empathy thing, which is fine because it's hardly a secret. And also that I may have killed a guy. [ which he is very much not okay with, but it's not like hiding it helps. ] Which is true. He wanted to hurt my boyfriend and I got angry.
[ angry is an understatement but he doesn't want to get into it. ]
On the bright side, I don't think I got any secrets left?
If it's a choice between letting someone hurt someone else, and hurting them to stop them ...
[ alina hunches her shoulders a little. ]
I wouldn't blame you. Even if he weren't.
[ she thinks of the grisha lost on the sand skiff. thirty or forty people, and they'd died for nothing. the darkling and ivan had both survived, despite it all. ]
Well, maybe this way he'll think twice about being an asshole next time.
[ alina is a little scary, admittedly. she doesn't seem entirely bothered by the fact that near-murder might be a lesson for this. at least, not given that it wasn't actual murder, and caleb seems aware that it was awful. ]
[ she realizes now that she's being scary. she holds up her hands in defense. ]
I wouldn't ... [ except, of course, that she had. ivan and the darkling had survived the skiff, but the others hadn't. so many dead grisha. just to free herself and mal. she lowers her hands. ] ... Sorry.
[ is that mutable? surely the darkling justified it by presenting everything in opposition to him as a betrayal. alina had justified her actions in the fold the same way. ]
[ although, maybe it's naive of him. caleb's never had a terribly high stakes problem, while alina seems to be the... fate on the world in her hands kind. ]
Trust is harder to come by than that. At least for me.
[ is that because she's cynical, or is it because she's the sun summoner and everyone in ravka and beyond wants to use her for something? alina sighs. ]
You've never trusted a friend with something and had them turn on you? [ even in a small way, she thinks, certainly he must understand. it wasn't like alina's life hadn't had plenty of disappointments before she was the sun summoner. or before she knew, anyway. ]
[ adam had disclosed more information to his parents than caleb was comfortable with, but they hadn't really talked about it beforehand and there was a lot of stuff neither of them had known at the time. ]
And I mean, there's high school stuff. And football stuff, like setting a play and someone fucking it up on purpose, but nothing super bad.
I have all the physical ability of a weed, so unless you want to assure your team loses ...
[ she's laughing, though. and it feels good to be invited. so she relents a little, and admits, ]
Maybe I can just watch.
[ she'd like to watch. she'd like to know what it's like to be a part of something, to have friends, to have mal's easy manner with people. maybe if she could just inhabit some of his better qualities instead of her own grouchiness. ]
[ she snorts because she knows that it's not actually relevant here, but it's impossible not to point out how convenient tackling makes everything. but she's seen the soldiers of the first army play similar games. alina was never invited. alina was never interested. she's always been too sickly for that kind of thing. but mal had played, and sometimes, alina had watched. ]
The people here are very creative. Or ... maybe utterly uncreative? [ more laughter. she sits back on the couch more comfortably, giving up on the phone entirely. she rests her elbow on the back of the couch and curls her knees up onto the cushion to face him more fully. more seriously, she asks, ] Are you sure you want me there? I don't want to ... I don't know, intrude.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ people were blackmailed, seemingly at random. it didn't make much sense to her at the time. ]
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[ it sucks but it's just One of Those Things. ]
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[ nothing on her dom-finder profile had been terribly personal or disarming, but she could think of a few embarrassing facts on others, now that she's putting thought towards it. alina is just a little too self-involved to notice that sort of thing without prompting. ]
Have you ever had something exposed like that?
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[ angry is an understatement but he doesn't want to get into it. ]
On the bright side, I don't think I got any secrets left?
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[ she sets her device down on the table. ]
Is he alright?
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[ alina hunches her shoulders a little. ]
I wouldn't blame you. Even if he weren't.
[ she thinks of the grisha lost on the sand skiff. thirty or forty people, and they'd died for nothing. the darkling and ivan had both survived, despite it all. ]
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[ he shrugs, there's nothing he can do about it from here anyway. ]
He wasn't like... murderer dangerous, I don't think. Just an asshole.
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[ alina is a little scary, admittedly. she doesn't seem entirely bothered by the fact that near-murder might be a lesson for this. at least, not given that it wasn't actual murder, and caleb seems aware that it was awful. ]
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he knows a lot of people who just shrug it off though. ]
I really appreciate that, but also remind me never to piss you off please.
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[ she realizes now that she's being scary. she holds up her hands in defense. ]
I wouldn't ... [ except, of course, that she had. ivan and the darkling had survived the skiff, but the others hadn't. so many dead grisha. just to free herself and mal. she lowers her hands. ] ... Sorry.
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It's alright. I kinda like scary, it makes me feel safe.
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[ it's a tough admission. ]
But anyone who can make you feel safe by being scary can turn on you just as quickly. [ she shakes her head. ] I don't want to be that.
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[ is that mutable? surely the darkling justified it by presenting everything in opposition to him as a betrayal. alina had justified her actions in the fold the same way. ]
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[ although, maybe it's naive of him. caleb's never had a terribly high stakes problem, while alina seems to be the... fate on the world in her hands kind. ]
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[ is that because she's cynical, or is it because she's the sun summoner and everyone in ravka and beyond wants to use her for something? alina sighs. ]
You've never trusted a friend with something and had them turn on you? [ even in a small way, she thinks, certainly he must understand. it wasn't like alina's life hadn't had plenty of disappointments before she was the sun summoner. or before she knew, anyway. ]
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[ adam had disclosed more information to his parents than caleb was comfortable with, but they hadn't really talked about it beforehand and there was a lot of stuff neither of them had known at the time. ]
And I mean, there's high school stuff. And football stuff, like setting a play and someone fucking it up on purpose, but nothing super bad.
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What's football?
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[ that's the gist of it, at least. ]
We got a group who sometimes plays on weekends and stuff, you should come next time.
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[ she's laughing, though. and it feels good to be invited. so she relents a little, and admits, ]
Maybe I can just watch.
[ she'd like to watch. she'd like to know what it's like to be a part of something, to have friends, to have mal's easy manner with people. maybe if she could just inhabit some of his better qualities instead of her own grouchiness. ]
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[ reggie is competitive as hell, but cooler caleb can play nice, and gar is just learning too. they can probably make two mostly even teams. ]
But just watching is fine too. There's a lot of tackling involved.
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[ she snorts because she knows that it's not actually relevant here, but it's impossible not to point out how convenient tackling makes everything. but she's seen the soldiers of the first army play similar games. alina was never invited. alina was never interested. she's always been too sickly for that kind of thing. but mal had played, and sometimes, alina had watched. ]
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[ he's not lying, but his tone is teasing. he doesn't have a problem with everything here being a sex thing, mostly because it'd be exhausting to. ]
Actually made out with a guy after he kicked my ass at football. It was fun.
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