( there's got to be a middle ground somewhere, between the nick that existed before duplicity in a permanent state of waiting and the nick that exists here, suddenly feeling the pressure to prove himself as worthy of existing despite no one ever asking. middle ground has always been a difficult thing for nick though, and he just sort of shrugs and leans back, head tipped up towards the ceiling. )
I do. I can, sometimes. But then sometimes it's like— all of this is breathing down my neck, and I don't know how to see anything else.
There's no easy fix, but talking helps. Unpacking all of that and airing it out might suck at first, but then it'll get lighter. It becomes a shitty thing that happened instead of this monster trying to swallow you whole.
[ that's experience talking. he still has nightmares about damien, but they happen less often now, every couple of weeks as opposed to every night. ]
You're very hard on yourself. But if you look at everything you've overcome and how you're doing now, you should be proud of where you are.
( people have said that too, but nick still has a hard time hearing it. there's no middle ground, again — if he's not completely on top of everything, completely over it all, he's a wreck. there's a lot of grey in recovery; not so much in nick's view of things. )
I'm trying to be better. About like, talking, and not just ignoring everything, letting it all build up. It's just, like, habit now I guess. It's hard.
I get it, it took me like, a solid year of weekly sessions before I started feeling like I was making any progress. Everyone else said I was doing better, but I didn't see it at all.
[ it's embarrassing to think about it now, but he's being honest, and maybe it'll help nick to know this is just how it goes. ]
( it isn't that long, really, for progress. nick is coming up on a year here, it's not that long, really. but a year, when everything feels so imminently awful, feels like a lifetime. )
I could do it with magic, probably. Find a spell, wipe my memories, I keep thinking about it, but...there's always consequences with stuff like that.
I mean, I was a kid and I was feeling everyone's feelings. Kinda felt like a balloon about to blow up all of the time.
[ he doesn't like the idea of short-cuts, even magic ones. they don't sound healthy. but it sounds like nick's already talked himself out of it, so he can let it go. ]
You could come play football with us, also I run every morning if you wanna get into that.
[ his personality doesn't always match it, but caleb's a full-blown jock. there's weights in the corner he forgot to put away. ]
( it would be easy to just grin and blow it off — he does, a little, with a vague smirk directed at the ceiling. but he doesn't let the joke become the new direction of the conversation, closing his eyes instead. )
I think, I want to run. I want to like, actually try new things, you know? Make different choices.
It gets my mind off things. I take a trail down the beach, I can pick you up. I think you'll like it, the key to it is to do it in increments, don't try to run a mile right away.
[ exercise is a lot easier than psych, caleb can totally get nick running without making him hate it. ]
I think too much, like, all the time. If running can help that like, even a little, I'll take it.
( it's the sort of thing he'd toyed with, when he first got his memories back and decided he needed to do something quickly, but never followed through with. the idea of "#selfcare" had ultimately been far more attractive than any real work. )
If I throw up you can't make fun of me. I'm pretty sure I've run like, once in my whole life.
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( there's got to be a middle ground somewhere, between the nick that existed before duplicity in a permanent state of waiting and the nick that exists here, suddenly feeling the pressure to prove himself as worthy of existing despite no one ever asking. middle ground has always been a difficult thing for nick though, and he just sort of shrugs and leans back, head tipped up towards the ceiling. )
I do. I can, sometimes. But then sometimes it's like— all of this is breathing down my neck, and I don't know how to see anything else.
no subject
[ that's experience talking. he still has nightmares about damien, but they happen less often now, every couple of weeks as opposed to every night. ]
You're very hard on yourself. But if you look at everything you've overcome and how you're doing now, you should be proud of where you are.
no subject
I'm trying to be better. About like, talking, and not just ignoring everything, letting it all build up. It's just, like, habit now I guess. It's hard.
no subject
[ it's embarrassing to think about it now, but he's being honest, and maybe it'll help nick to know this is just how it goes. ]
no subject
( it isn't that long, really, for progress. nick is coming up on a year here, it's not that long, really. but a year, when everything feels so imminently awful, feels like a lifetime. )
I could do it with magic, probably. Find a spell, wipe my memories, I keep thinking about it, but...there's always consequences with stuff like that.
Nate's going to teach me how to fight.
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[ he doesn't like the idea of short-cuts, even magic ones. they don't sound healthy. but it sounds like nick's already talked himself out of it, so he can let it go. ]
You could come play football with us, also I run every morning if you wanna get into that.
[ his personality doesn't always match it, but caleb's a full-blown jock. there's weights in the corner he forgot to put away. ]
no subject
( it would be easy to just grin and blow it off — he does, a little, with a vague smirk directed at the ceiling. but he doesn't let the joke become the new direction of the conversation, closing his eyes instead. )
I think, I want to run. I want to like, actually try new things, you know? Make different choices.
no subject
[ exercise is a lot easier than psych, caleb can totally get nick running without making him hate it. ]
no subject
( it's the sort of thing he'd toyed with, when he first got his memories back and decided he needed to do something quickly, but never followed through with. the idea of "#selfcare" had ultimately been far more attractive than any real work. )
If I throw up you can't make fun of me. I'm pretty sure I've run like, once in my whole life.
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[ he figure maybe five minute increments and when nick gets tired they can just walk the rest of the trail. ]
Dire used to run with me.