You are a person, Nick. You feeling like this is a normal human response, like— I'm feeling what you're feeling, and it makes sense, and it also makes sense you don't want it, but you're not giving yourself enough credit.
[ because nick's a very impulsive guy, and he's here with caleb instead of getting passed out drunk in some shitty dive bar. caleb recognizes the effort, admires it, even. ]
Credit for what? I left my boyfriend alone with a guy that barely likes him and doesn't remember that they're in love because it was too hard. I wound my feelings around Nate's and then had a total fucking breakdown so now he's had to feel all this for days too. I couldn't even talk to Logan because I knew if I said anything I'd just try and blow shit up with him, too.
( picked a fight with michael, ghosted ragnor, ignored multiple attempts to tell him that he needed to do something different or he was going to overload — and that's just the last couple of weeks. )
I'm a hurricane, and I let all these people get close to me and now I'm just. Dragging them down with me.
Okay, but loving people and having a bad time when they have a bad time is just how relationships work. Do you think they'd say you're dragging them down?
[ caleb knows they wouldn't because that's not how people are. ]
Do you feel they drag you down when they're not at their best?
( this is a topic that's come up a few times now, so he's already anticipating a rebuttal. )
Like—yeah, okay, I know it's not the only reason these people care about me. But it's still like, like- I don't know what I'm really...bringing to the table, if I don't bring that.
( nothing, really, because the group of people that nick has stumbled upon to care about him are all wonderful in their own way, but a rational understanding of that doesn't stop his knee jerk response. )
Uh, they think I'm needy and insecure on top of being a mess and decide I'm not worth the trouble?
[ this is one of those exercises he did when he was in therapy. worst case scenario, best case scenario, most likely scenario. it helped him freak out less about talking to people. ]
( okay, so he can see the point of this, now. it's annoyingly effective, actually, for someone who spends a lot of time lately focusing on the worst possible outcome of any event.
...admittedly, the worst possible outcome does happen, a lot, but even so. )
Probably, they'd just answer? And I don't know, maybe ask if I was okay, or something like that. I probably wouldn't get, like, cut off or anything.
And then you'd know, and maybe that voice in your head telling you you're not allowed to have feelings would shut up for a bit.
[ vulnerability is very far from caleb's favorite thing in the world, but being honest always worked out great. he's hoping it'll work out for nick too. ]
[ he's gonna have to address that in more depth. if nick's saying he's somehow broken or has always been, that's not great and he can't just let it slide. but he doesn't know much about nick's life before duplicity; magic, weed, high school drop-out.
caleb keeps notes, but he only writes things down after— he had doctors who took notes during and he always hated that, and recording sessions like dr. bright did sounds like a terrible idea in this city; any recordings would end up on the network and that'd suck super hard. ]
I'm wasting my life. I didn't do anything, I just--sat around waiting for my friends to come back into town, and then they'd leave and I'd start all over again. It's all I've done for years.
( he didn't really think that this bothered him that much, honestly, until more recent events. nick does so much more here, than he's ever done with himself, but lately it's felt distinctly finite in a way that just stokes the anxiety that's already there. )
This place is like, the worst thing that's ever happened to me. But like, is it worth it? Maybe? I don't know.
Weren't you like, twenty? People take time to figure themselves out, and you had time for that. You weren't in like, permanent crisis mode like you're here.
[ for nick it's either filling every hour with something to do or turning to hard drugs, he's making the healthier choice. ]
I don't know if it's worth it, but I think there's like... pockets of peace sometimes. Moments, I guess? You're laughing with a friend or chilling with someone you love, and if you can stop and enjoy those moments, tell yourself, 'right now I'm happy' then those can add up and make for a time that's more than nonstop Duplicity fuckery.
( there's got to be a middle ground somewhere, between the nick that existed before duplicity in a permanent state of waiting and the nick that exists here, suddenly feeling the pressure to prove himself as worthy of existing despite no one ever asking. middle ground has always been a difficult thing for nick though, and he just sort of shrugs and leans back, head tipped up towards the ceiling. )
I do. I can, sometimes. But then sometimes it's like— all of this is breathing down my neck, and I don't know how to see anything else.
There's no easy fix, but talking helps. Unpacking all of that and airing it out might suck at first, but then it'll get lighter. It becomes a shitty thing that happened instead of this monster trying to swallow you whole.
[ that's experience talking. he still has nightmares about damien, but they happen less often now, every couple of weeks as opposed to every night. ]
You're very hard on yourself. But if you look at everything you've overcome and how you're doing now, you should be proud of where you are.
( people have said that too, but nick still has a hard time hearing it. there's no middle ground, again — if he's not completely on top of everything, completely over it all, he's a wreck. there's a lot of grey in recovery; not so much in nick's view of things. )
I'm trying to be better. About like, talking, and not just ignoring everything, letting it all build up. It's just, like, habit now I guess. It's hard.
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[ because nick's a very impulsive guy, and he's here with caleb instead of getting passed out drunk in some shitty dive bar. caleb recognizes the effort, admires it, even. ]
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( picked a fight with michael, ghosted ragnor, ignored multiple attempts to tell him that he needed to do something different or he was going to overload — and that's just the last couple of weeks. )
I'm a hurricane, and I let all these people get close to me and now I'm just. Dragging them down with me.
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[ caleb knows they wouldn't because that's not how people are. ]
Do you feel they drag you down when they're not at their best?
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( he hears the contradiction in logic even as he says it, but that doesn't stop him. )
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[ maybe nick will hear it louder if caleb asks him to explain it. ]
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( because he hasn't come up with a compelling enough argument yet, and he frowns stubbornly. )
Because I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm like- I'm fun, I'm cool, I do whatever, I have a good time. I don't do...this.
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[ this is a self-esteem thing on top of a depression thing, he thinks. ]
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( this is a topic that's come up a few times now, so he's already anticipating a rebuttal. )
Like—yeah, okay, I know it's not the only reason these people care about me. But it's still like, like- I don't know what I'm really...bringing to the table, if I don't bring that.
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[ he wouldn't suggest this if he thought it'd backfire, but he's pretty sure nick's people love him, so it should be fine. ]
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( it's the exact kind of naked vulnerability that makes nick's skin crawl. )
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There's other ways to phrase it, but yeah. Why not? What's the worst that could happen?
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Uh, they think I'm needy and insecure on top of being a mess and decide I'm not worth the trouble?
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[ this is one of those exercises he did when he was in therapy. worst case scenario, best case scenario, most likely scenario. it helped him freak out less about talking to people. ]
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Um, I don't know.
( it feels like a trick question, even if he knows that it's not, and he has to pause for a moment just to come up with an actual answer. )
They, I don't know— tell me whatever it is they like about me or whatever, I guess?
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[ caleb has not done a lot of therapy on this end of it, but he thinks this is going pretty okay, all things considered. ]
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...admittedly, the worst possible outcome does happen, a lot, but even so. )
Probably, they'd just answer? And I don't know, maybe ask if I was okay, or something like that. I probably wouldn't get, like, cut off or anything.
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[ vulnerability is very far from caleb's favorite thing in the world, but being honest always worked out great. he's hoping it'll work out for nick too. ]
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( it's a good suggestion, actually, and one he'll probably think about acting on, later, when he isn't feeling quite so raw. )
Do you want to know a secret? I think I was fucked up before I even got here. I think this place just like, made it louder.
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[ he's gonna have to address that in more depth. if nick's saying he's somehow broken or has always been, that's not great and he can't just let it slide. but he doesn't know much about nick's life before duplicity; magic, weed, high school drop-out.
caleb keeps notes, but he only writes things down after— he had doctors who took notes during and he always hated that, and recording sessions like dr. bright did sounds like a terrible idea in this city; any recordings would end up on the network and that'd suck super hard. ]
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( he didn't really think that this bothered him that much, honestly, until more recent events. nick does so much more here, than he's ever done with himself, but lately it's felt distinctly finite in a way that just stokes the anxiety that's already there. )
This place is like, the worst thing that's ever happened to me. But like, is it worth it? Maybe? I don't know.
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[ for nick it's either filling every hour with something to do or turning to hard drugs, he's making the healthier choice. ]
I don't know if it's worth it, but I think there's like... pockets of peace sometimes. Moments, I guess? You're laughing with a friend or chilling with someone you love, and if you can stop and enjoy those moments, tell yourself, 'right now I'm happy' then those can add up and make for a time that's more than nonstop Duplicity fuckery.
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( there's got to be a middle ground somewhere, between the nick that existed before duplicity in a permanent state of waiting and the nick that exists here, suddenly feeling the pressure to prove himself as worthy of existing despite no one ever asking. middle ground has always been a difficult thing for nick though, and he just sort of shrugs and leans back, head tipped up towards the ceiling. )
I do. I can, sometimes. But then sometimes it's like— all of this is breathing down my neck, and I don't know how to see anything else.
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[ that's experience talking. he still has nightmares about damien, but they happen less often now, every couple of weeks as opposed to every night. ]
You're very hard on yourself. But if you look at everything you've overcome and how you're doing now, you should be proud of where you are.
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I'm trying to be better. About like, talking, and not just ignoring everything, letting it all build up. It's just, like, habit now I guess. It's hard.
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