[ Nate nods, and sighs. It's not what he wanted to hear, but it's maybe what he expected to hear, and maybe that's why he hadn't already acted on this. ]
I wish that didn't make sense. I'd like to just...not feel crazy, for a minute. You know? Not be freaking out because my friends, or their friends keep dying, not be sad about losing someone who mattered, and just be...fucking normal. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again. I hate that.
There's that too, but mostly I mean you take on this role of like, the person to go to when there's a problem. Which means you never have the time to have a problem yourself.
[ Caleb's not judging it at all, he gets it. He also gets it's not the healthiest approach. ]
Right, but you should. Like— it's gonna catch up with you, you can keep yourself busy now, but there's no expiration date on this kinda thing, it's not like, if you manage to distract yourself for three months then it'll be over.
[ This is still experience talking. ]
And then you'll be mad at yourself for not being over it yet, even though the reason you're not over it is because you haven't given yourself time to process it.
Have you tried journaling? Just for yourself, it's a private outlet, and you can write things down then come back to it later and kinda, take stock of how you were feeling then.
[ Caleb meditates but he thinks Nate's need to be doing things would hinder him if he tried it. Writing might work out better for him, plus, then he'd have something to show people if he wanted to share. ]
Of course you have grimoires. Just try writing about how you're feeling, you can be angry and bitter on paper, if it's out there then it's not inside you, right? Maybe it'll release the pressure a bit, make you feel less like a ticking bomb.
[ He's feeling optimistic about this, Nate needs an outlet, not just about this break-up, but about a million other things Caleb's probably not aware of. ]
Oh yeah. Mostly it felt childish? I mean, I was a kid, but I'd write something and then go over it weeks or months later, and I would have trouble recognizing myself.
[ He's a little embarrassed now thinking back on it. ]
But I was fifteen and having trouble telling apart my feelings from everyone else's. It took me months to be able to separate my own stuff from everything I was picking up.
Yeah, dude. I was this like, star football player and suddenly I'm being sent to therapy to talk about my feelings? It was excruciating. I flipped my shit so many times.
There's also like... upbringing and society at play, right? Like, we're taught feelings are embarrassing, and a man shouldn't ask for help, and all sorts of toxic shit.
Hawthornes don't shout, Hawthornes don't make a scene, Hawthornes don't react. Hawthornes definitely don't do therapy. I was never very good at being a Hawthorne, but, yeah. I used to hear that stuff all the time.
[ He hesitates, fingers still wringing around each other. ]
I guess I also worry about...everything's a mess for me, you know? I do my head in overthinking everything and I get so low, and then I throw myself into work, and...I know I'm a lot. And I worry that if I do talk about what I'm feeling or thinking, then whoever's hearing it is just gonna decide I'm too much. And they'll leave me.
I used to worry about that with Stephen all the time.
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I wish that didn't make sense. I'd like to just...not feel crazy, for a minute. You know? Not be freaking out because my friends, or their friends keep dying, not be sad about losing someone who mattered, and just be...fucking normal. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again. I hate that.
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[ Nate's name is the first that comes up whenever anyone needs help, it's got to be a lot of pressure. ]
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You mean like, work? I've been accused of overworking, sometimes.
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[ Caleb's not judging it at all, he gets it. He also gets it's not the healthiest approach. ]
I think you could use like, a vacation.
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That's the point, though, isn't it? If I haven't time to have a problem, then I won't hyperfocus on it and let it take over my life.
And if I took time off, then...fuck, I'd just spend all my time thinking about Stephen, probably.
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[ This is still experience talking. ]
And then you'll be mad at yourself for not being over it yet, even though the reason you're not over it is because you haven't given yourself time to process it.
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Or didn't deal with it, properly.
His fingers are twisting together. ]
Maybe.
Fuck, maybe.
I dunno if I know how to do that.
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[ Caleb meditates but he thinks Nate's need to be doing things would hinder him if he tried it. Writing might work out better for him, plus, then he'd have something to show people if he wanted to share. ]
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I mean, I have my grimoires. I've never tried to journal, though, I...
Well, I suppose I could start. I do like books more than basically anything.
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[ He's feeling optimistic about this, Nate needs an outlet, not just about this break-up, but about a million other things Caleb's probably not aware of. ]
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[ He likes that thought. ]
I think you just gave me homework, Caleb.
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[ It was simpler when he was a teenager since his problems were just figuring out who he liked and not punching assholes. ]
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[ He's a little embarrassed now thinking back on it. ]
But I was fifteen and having trouble telling apart my feelings from everyone else's. It took me months to be able to separate my own stuff from everything I was picking up.
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I always think my shit's embarrassing when I say it out loud. Doesn't matter who I'm saying it to.
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There's also like... upbringing and society at play, right? Like, we're taught feelings are embarrassing, and a man shouldn't ask for help, and all sorts of toxic shit.
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[ Nate smiles, and leans back. ]
Hawthornes don't shout, Hawthornes don't make a scene, Hawthornes don't react. Hawthornes definitely don't do therapy. I was never very good at being a Hawthorne, but, yeah. I used to hear that stuff all the time.
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[ His own parents weren't like that, but he was still using 'gay' as an insult well into his teens. ]
It takes time to unlearn all that.
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[ He hesitates, fingers still wringing around each other. ]
I guess I also worry about...everything's a mess for me, you know? I do my head in overthinking everything and I get so low, and then I throw myself into work, and...I know I'm a lot. And I worry that if I do talk about what I'm feeling or thinking, then whoever's hearing it is just gonna decide I'm too much. And they'll leave me.
I used to worry about that with Stephen all the time.
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[ It's messed up, but Caleb gets it. He had the same concerns, still has them sometimes. ]
But the people worth having around will stay.
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He nods.
Yeah, to him it's confirmation of the thing he's always feared. He was finally too much. ]
That's what I'm trying to tell myself. It's just...
[ A sigh. ]
It's not something I wanted to be right about, you know?
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I mean, I know this is still very fresh, but it wouldn't be fair for you and for the people close to you to distance yourself because of this.
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Anyway, I'd just be heartbroken all over again, if I did.