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[allyourfeels]

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[extent]

Yeah. I didn't really lose it until after he got back.

( nick doesn't think the timeline actually matters that much, but he specifies anyway, inspecting the cup in his hands now instead. anything that will hold his attention to his lap, really. it's just a lot easier to talk this way. )

I knew he wouldn't remember me, right? Cause like...it happened to me, I know what this whole thing is like, and I thought I was ready for it. But then he came home, and he doesn't know me, and I know it's not going to last forever, but I just kept thinking about it, and thinking about how he was killed, and Kyle is so fucked up about it, and then it's like, I died, and I can't stop thinking about that either, so I just--walked out.

[allyourfeels]

There's nothing wrong with needing space. You haven't caught a break, it's normal to need an outlet.

[ with piles upon piles of unresolved trauma it's an achievement nick's not blowing up more destructively. caleb wouldn't be handling it any better. ]

[extent]

Maybe. Kyle asked me not to go.

( told, actually, and nick had very deliberately walked out of the house anyway. but honestly he's too tired to go into that right now, so instead he's sticking with the abridged version. )

And before that some asshole I thought I was friends with put pictures up of me. And then before that it was fucking...jail, and before that I died, and before that it was that fucked up camp, and that fucking gang war, and Logan, and— it just, it never ends.

[allyourfeels]

Right, so you have a ton of reasons to be upset and need space.

[ caleb missed the pictures, he's very selective about which network posts he clicks on. ]

Do you think a list would help? Shit that's happened and writing down what we can do to handle it? Maybe it'll help you let go of some of the weight.

[extent]

Do you think it'll help?

( nick shrugs, scrubs a hand over his face. he already misses being drunk, even if kyle scraping him out of a filthy bar out of his mind on anything he could get his hands on was one of the more shameful experiences in nick's recent memory. )

I just want to feel like--a person again. Does that even make sense?

[allyourfeels]

Yeah— you've been going through the motions, but you don't feel like yourself?

[ caleb's been there. his problems were just closer to mundane; sure, a secret government organization was keeping tabs on him, but caleb would choose that over this place any day. ]

[extent]

I don't know what myself even is. If it's this I don't want it to be.

( his fingers twitch around the mug and he itches to do something that isn't just sitting here, trying to string together sentences about himself that he barely understands on a good day.

but. if this is it he doesn't want it to be. it's probably the most honest thing that nick has ever said with caleb. he needs to try something different, because avoidance in all its many forms hasn't gotten him very far at all. )

It hurts like...everyone around me, when I'm fucked up like this. You know? It's not just me any more, I keep like--forgetting that. I just want to be like...a real, fucking person.

[allyourfeels]

You are a person, Nick. You feeling like this is a normal human response, like— I'm feeling what you're feeling, and it makes sense, and it also makes sense you don't want it, but you're not giving yourself enough credit.

[ because nick's a very impulsive guy, and he's here with caleb instead of getting passed out drunk in some shitty dive bar. caleb recognizes the effort, admires it, even. ]

[extent]

Credit for what? I left my boyfriend alone with a guy that barely likes him and doesn't remember that they're in love because it was too hard. I wound my feelings around Nate's and then had a total fucking breakdown so now he's had to feel all this for days too. I couldn't even talk to Logan because I knew if I said anything I'd just try and blow shit up with him, too.

( picked a fight with michael, ghosted ragnor, ignored multiple attempts to tell him that he needed to do something different or he was going to overload — and that's just the last couple of weeks. )

I'm a hurricane, and I let all these people get close to me and now I'm just. Dragging them down with me.

[allyourfeels]

[allyourfeels]

Okay, but loving people and having a bad time when they have a bad time is just how relationships work. Do you think they'd say you're dragging them down?

[ caleb knows they wouldn't because that's not how people are. ]

Do you feel they drag you down when they're not at their best?

[extent]

Obviously not. But like, it's different.

( he hears the contradiction in logic even as he says it, but that doesn't stop him. )

[allyourfeels]

Why?

[ maybe nick will hear it louder if caleb asks him to explain it. ]

[extent]

Because.

( because he hasn't come up with a compelling enough argument yet, and he frowns stubbornly. )

Because I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm like- I'm fun, I'm cool, I do whatever, I have a good time. I don't do...this.

[allyourfeels]

Are all of your friends fun and cool and having a good time all of the time?

[ this is a self-esteem thing on top of a depression thing, he thinks. ]

[extent]

That's not like, all they offer.

( this is a topic that's come up a few times now, so he's already anticipating a rebuttal. )

Like—yeah, okay, I know it's not the only reason these people care about me. But it's still like, like- I don't know what I'm really...bringing to the table, if I don't bring that.

[allyourfeels]

Why don't you ask them?

[ he wouldn't suggest this if he thought it'd backfire, but he's pretty sure nick's people love him, so it should be fine. ]

[extent]

That's so embarrassing. And needy. Like, what, I'm just supposed to say "oh hey bee-tee-double you, what value do I bring to our relationship?"

( it's the exact kind of naked vulnerability that makes nick's skin crawl. )

[allyourfeels]

[ caleb smiles because that's also the kind of thing he'd have hated doing back when he was in a relationship. ]

There's other ways to phrase it, but yeah. Why not? What's the worst that could happen?

[extent]

( nothing, really, because the group of people that nick has stumbled upon to care about him are all wonderful in their own way, but a rational understanding of that doesn't stop his knee jerk response. )

Uh, they think I'm needy and insecure on top of being a mess and decide I'm not worth the trouble?

[allyourfeels]

Okay, what's the best that could happen?

[ this is one of those exercises he did when he was in therapy. worst case scenario, best case scenario, most likely scenario. it helped him freak out less about talking to people. ]

[extent]

( nick, however, has not done a lot of therapy, and the question catches him off-guard. )

Um, I don't know.

( it feels like a trick question, even if he knows that it's not, and he has to pause for a moment just to come up with an actual answer. )

They, I don't know— tell me whatever it is they like about me or whatever, I guess?

[allyourfeels]

Right. And what do you think is most likely to happen if you just ask?

[ caleb has not done a lot of therapy on this end of it, but he thinks this is going pretty okay, all things considered. ]

[extent]

( okay, so he can see the point of this, now. it's annoyingly effective, actually, for someone who spends a lot of time lately focusing on the worst possible outcome of any event.

...admittedly, the worst possible outcome does happen, a lot, but even so. )

Probably, they'd just answer? And I don't know, maybe ask if I was okay, or something like that. I probably wouldn't get, like, cut off or anything.

[allyourfeels]

And then you'd know, and maybe that voice in your head telling you you're not allowed to have feelings would shut up for a bit.

[ vulnerability is very far from caleb's favorite thing in the world, but being honest always worked out great. he's hoping it'll work out for nick too. ]