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[allyourfeels]

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[guylining]

[ Nate looks down. ]

I know. I don't think that I'm wrong to feel that way, I just.

[ He hesitates, letting out a breath. It feels like an easy way out. He thinks, if he does it this time, then the next time someone breaks his heart, he'll find it even harder. But then, couldn't he just remove that pain, too? Why would he live with pain if he doesn't have to? Why would anyone? ]

I hate feeling this way. I hate it, I'm...miserable. And I could just, not be. Instantly.

And the thing that holds me back most is thinking, what if he changes his mind and then my feelings are gone? And I know I shouldn't...even think that, but. I am.

[allyourfeels]

[ The more he thinks about it, the less Caleb likes the idea of Nate getting rid of his feelings. It doesn't feel right, but he's not sure he can articulate properly why he thinks it's a bad idea. ]

You can't control what Stephen does or doesn't do, you gotta make choices based on what's best for yourself— Uh. I don't think in general that getting rid of your feelings is what's best, but I don't know how it works.

Is it a blank slate? Like, would you remember your relationship but not how you felt about him? If you thought back of your first kiss would it be like... I don't know, thinking back on a movie you didn't care about either way?

[guylining]

[ Nate's eyebrows come together. He can only theorise, because he hasn't actually experienced this yet. So... ]

I can't tell you that unless I try it. But what I think it does is, it leaves the memories but it washes the feelings from them.

So I'd remember that kiss, but not how I felt about it. I'd remember being with him, but I wouldn't still love him, and if I didn't love him, then I wouldn't be missing him, or be angry at him.

[allyourfeels]

... wouldn't you hate that?

[ Caleb knows he would personally hate it, but he's an empath, if his memories weren't splashed with emotions then they'd feel fake. ]

[guylining]

[ Nate hesitates. ]

I thought so. Before.

But when Anna did it temporarily, it just felt like this weight was lifted from me.

I don't know if those good memories are worth how bad I feel now. They're tainted by it. Thinking about them just makes me miss him more.

[allyourfeels]

Just because it sucks now it doesn't mean it's always sucked, or that it'll suck forever. Is this your first ever break-up?

[ It'd make sense for it to be. Caleb's only ever had one, but he felt every single one back at his high school, so he figures he has more experience than most. ]

[guylining]

[ Nate chews his cheek. ]

Yeah. Stephen was my first serious...anything.

[allyourfeels]

Right, that makes sense. You love him and you thought he'd be there forever, and it turns out you were wrong, and it feels like losing a part of yourself.

[ He's been there. Hell, he's still there. He'd probably have gone for an easy way out right after the break-up. ]

It sucks and it's gonna suck for a long time, and I get this place is what it is and you feel like you don't have the time to nurse a heartbreak when there's something terrible going on always. But I really do think you should get through it the slow, annoying way, because when you're through then you'll know you can get through it.

[guylining]

[ Nate looks down. He knows this is exactly what he would've said to someone else, before he felt what this was like. ]

What if I can't, though? Like what if I actually can't?

[allyourfeels]

Dude, you're way stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you're not on your own, you got me and your friends and your coven.

[ He breathes out. Trying to think about what he wished he'd had back when his break-up was an open wound. ]

And if it gets to be too much, I think I can dull it. It's temporary but it wears off less suddenly.

[guylining]

[ Nate looks up at him, frowning. ]

Wouldn't that strain you? I didn't think it was any easier for you than it is for Anna.

[allyourfeels]

Not really? I mean, when it first started happening I didn't even realize I was doing it. I think because I'm a receptive empath, when this new thing started it was like self-defense, maybe? I started giving people feelings that were easier for me to handle, so like, welcoming new students or whatever I just made everyone feel less nervous.

[ He doesn't love it, but he knows it can help so he's been working on getting better at it. ]

One on one it doesn't really tire me out at all, unless the person's feelings are really intense or if there are a lot of them.

[ Like Jon, who still feels like he's possessed by a thousand screaming souls. But Nate has a normal amount of feelings, it should be fine. ]

[guylining]

[ Nate lets out a little laugh. ]

Caleb, if I didn't have really intense feelings that constantly feel overwhelming to me, I probably wouldn't be in therapy.

[ His fingers twist around each other. ]

You really think I should ride this out?

[allyourfeels]

Yeah, but your feelings are not like— Scrooge possessed by ever soul he ever wronged feelings.

[ He meets Nate's eyes. He really does think riding it out is the best option. ]

I think you'll be better off in the long run, yeah. It's not easy, but I think it's important to let it run its course.

[guylining]

[ Nate nods, and sighs. It's not what he wanted to hear, but it's maybe what he expected to hear, and maybe that's why he hadn't already acted on this. ]

I wish that didn't make sense. I'd like to just...not feel crazy, for a minute. You know? Not be freaking out because my friends, or their friends keep dying, not be sad about losing someone who mattered, and just be...fucking normal. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again. I hate that.

[allyourfeels]

Yeah, I get it. You ever think you do too much?

[ Nate's name is the first that comes up whenever anyone needs help, it's got to be a lot of pressure. ]

[guylining]

[ Nate looks up. ]

You mean like, work? I've been accused of overworking, sometimes.

[allyourfeels]

There's that too, but mostly I mean you take on this role of like, the person to go to when there's a problem. Which means you never have the time to have a problem yourself.

[ Caleb's not judging it at all, he gets it. He also gets it's not the healthiest approach. ]

I think you could use like, a vacation.

[guylining]

[ Nate looks down again. Caleb is not exactly wrong. ]

That's the point, though, isn't it? If I haven't time to have a problem, then I won't hyperfocus on it and let it take over my life.

And if I took time off, then...fuck, I'd just spend all my time thinking about Stephen, probably.

[allyourfeels]

Right, but you should. Like— it's gonna catch up with you, you can keep yourself busy now, but there's no expiration date on this kinda thing, it's not like, if you manage to distract yourself for three months then it'll be over.

[ This is still experience talking. ]

And then you'll be mad at yourself for not being over it yet, even though the reason you're not over it is because you haven't given yourself time to process it.

[guylining]

[ There's a lot about that description that sounds frighteningly similar to how Nate dealt with dying.

Or didn't deal with it, properly.

His fingers are twisting together. ]

Maybe.

Fuck, maybe.

I dunno if I know how to do that.

[allyourfeels]

Have you tried journaling? Just for yourself, it's a private outlet, and you can write things down then come back to it later and kinda, take stock of how you were feeling then.

[ Caleb meditates but he thinks Nate's need to be doing things would hinder him if he tried it. Writing might work out better for him, plus, then he'd have something to show people if he wanted to share. ]

[guylining]

[ Another pause. ]

I mean, I have my grimoires. I've never tried to journal, though, I...

Well, I suppose I could start. I do like books more than basically anything.

[allyourfeels]

Of course you have grimoires. Just try writing about how you're feeling, you can be angry and bitter on paper, if it's out there then it's not inside you, right? Maybe it'll release the pressure a bit, make you feel less like a ticking bomb.

[ He's feeling optimistic about this, Nate needs an outlet, not just about this break-up, but about a million other things Caleb's probably not aware of. ]

[guylining]

Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'll try it, I guess...it's a way of getting it outside me.

[ He likes that thought. ]

I think you just gave me homework, Caleb.