[ It's a good question. Nate hesitates, thinking about it. He'd told Crais that he wouldn't have, and maybe he's always been stubborn enough for that to be the case.
But... ]
I don't know.
I'd like to think I wouldn't have. That I'd have made the choice I knew was right, because all of this...it was bigger than me. And even if it wasn't, I've always hated the thought of...of holding back because someone else said so. My family had reins on me my whole life, and I always fought it. I wouldn't want to be with someone who did that same thing.
[ He hesitates, then sighs. ]
I wish I'd had the option. I feel like the choice was taken away from me, like he gave me an ultimatum that he never told me about. If I'd known it would break us then at least I could've actively made that choice, instead of having the floor pulled out from under me.
It's like I failed a test that I never knew I was taking. He knew what I was doing for months, I talked to him about it. And then I was in jail, after, and he didn't even speak to me until the day before I was released. He said he'd been affected by the portals, like I was, but I know that only lasted for three days. It still took him almost another week to even talk to me, and I just--
[ He cuts off, having grown increasingly passionate as he spoke. This has been his whole problem. The more he thinks about it all, he's not just sad. He's angry, and bitter about how it ended, angry with how Stephen treated him. ]
We signed a permanent contract. In like, June. Which was two months after I told him what I wanted to do. So he entered that contract knowing my plans, and yet I go through with them and he decides that's it, better break the contract. I feel...lied to. And I hate. I hate feeling this way, it builds up in me like a poison every time I think about him.
[ Caleb can feel Nate's shift from sadness to anger. He gets it too, it does sound like very poor communication on Stephen's side.
He doesn't attribute deliberate maliciousness to it, though. Emotions are messy, sometimes they just happen. ]
It's okay to be pissed, but I think— did he say he meant to leave you all along? Because it's different if he knew and failed to communicate it, than if the consequences were, unexpectedly, a lot for him to deal with.
[ Nate shakes his head, punctuating his words, and there's no disguising the distaste in his mouth for this next part. ]
He said, "you actually did it". I don't think he was planning to leave me all along, I think he wanted to talk me out of it. And when I did it, that's when he called it quits.
But the thing is, that's...it's exactly the kind of shit my family would pull. He said that he doesn't think we're right for each other. That's where I think he's right, honestly. I can't be with someone whose price for being with me is that I use my magic only how they think I should. It's the very thing I was trying to escape when I wanted to leave home.
I just never thought that was Stephen. Especially considering he knew my plans when he signed that contract. I thought that meant he'd accepted what I was doing, not that he was just hoping to manipulate me out of it.
[ Caleb's getting pissed for Nate's sake, which isn't helpful, so he makes an effort to keep it down. ]
Yeah, that's really not a healthy approach to a partner doing something you don't like. I know break-ups suck, especially coming out of a longer relationship, but it sounds like you're already doing what's best for everyone involved.
I'm still his Dominant. The city let us break the permanent contract but we have to stay in a temporary one for three months. Then he can find someone else. So I asked if he needed anything, and tried to be like, cordial. And it just devolved into a fight because--
[ He laughs, and looks down. ]
Because I'd moved out, right, I let him stay in the house? But he started looking for an apartment he was gonna get. Except he didn't tell me that, even though I'm still his Dom, and when he finally did tell me I freaked out because it's another thing he just didn't communicate with me about. And it brought up...all of this, the anger. The resentment, the bitterness. And I hate being that person, I hate feeling this way.
[ And that, really, is why he's here to talk about it now. Everything he's said so far, it's context. He looks up at Caleb, and takes a sip of that coffee. ]
I, erm...Hope Mikaelson, she killed a guy on the Network. It was someone important to Nick and to Kyle, and they're...well, I love Nick. And Kyle's important. I wanted to take care of them and I didn't want to be obsessing about Stephen while I did. And this...
I'd talked to this other girl. Goddess. Persephone. She wanted someone to remove her ability to love, permanently. I said no, but. I did...make a potion to take away the heartbreak she's feeling now. Talking to her and doing that, it made me think. Maybe I would be happier if I removed my heartbreak, too. And then when Nick and Kyle needed me, I asked Anna to do it, temporarily. And she did, and it was like...
God, it was like this weight was lifted from me. But it all came back after, and ever since that. I'm tempted to take that potion myself, kind of...unbind myself, from all those feelings.
[ He pauses, collecting his thoughts, and he chews his cheek. ]
I don't know if that'd be like. Cheating. Or if it's a good idea, like. Should someone get a free pass from heartbreak? Should I let myself feel all of this, even the...bitterness and anger, because it's somehow better long term? And then I thought, maybe the person I should talk that through with is you.
[ He met Hope once, and he knows Nick and Anna, so he has a good picture of what that's been like. He's been wondering if he could help, turn Hope's feelings back on or something, but his control is still shaky at best and he really doesn't want to be added to the body count.
That's not the point right now, anyway, the point is the break-up and heartbreak and whether or not wiping emotions off with magic is healthy. ]
I don't think it matters if it's cheating or not. I don't really understand magic, but I understand feelings, and heartbreak and it's a whole process. I think we need it. I think... if we try to skip a step at the end of it it all feels like a puzzle with a missing piece.
[ He's thinking about his ex, it's been months now but it still feels fresh, like a fresh wound, like the slightest poke at it will make it burst open and all these feelings will come out. ]
It's— you need to give yourself permission to be angry and bitter. There's nothing wrong with that, he hurt you, you're allowed to be hurt. There's catharsis there too, you know? Not like, screaming and punching walls, but just acknowledging that you were wronged and it's fucked up and it's okay to be mad about it.
I know. I don't think that I'm wrong to feel that way, I just.
[ He hesitates, letting out a breath. It feels like an easy way out. He thinks, if he does it this time, then the next time someone breaks his heart, he'll find it even harder. But then, couldn't he just remove that pain, too? Why would he live with pain if he doesn't have to? Why would anyone? ]
I hate feeling this way. I hate it, I'm...miserable. And I could just, not be. Instantly.
And the thing that holds me back most is thinking, what if he changes his mind and then my feelings are gone? And I know I shouldn't...even think that, but. I am.
[ The more he thinks about it, the less Caleb likes the idea of Nate getting rid of his feelings. It doesn't feel right, but he's not sure he can articulate properly why he thinks it's a bad idea. ]
You can't control what Stephen does or doesn't do, you gotta make choices based on what's best for yourself— Uh. I don't think in general that getting rid of your feelings is what's best, but I don't know how it works.
Is it a blank slate? Like, would you remember your relationship but not how you felt about him? If you thought back of your first kiss would it be like... I don't know, thinking back on a movie you didn't care about either way?
[ Nate's eyebrows come together. He can only theorise, because he hasn't actually experienced this yet. So... ]
I can't tell you that unless I try it. But what I think it does is, it leaves the memories but it washes the feelings from them.
So I'd remember that kiss, but not how I felt about it. I'd remember being with him, but I wouldn't still love him, and if I didn't love him, then I wouldn't be missing him, or be angry at him.
Just because it sucks now it doesn't mean it's always sucked, or that it'll suck forever. Is this your first ever break-up?
[ It'd make sense for it to be. Caleb's only ever had one, but he felt every single one back at his high school, so he figures he has more experience than most. ]
Right, that makes sense. You love him and you thought he'd be there forever, and it turns out you were wrong, and it feels like losing a part of yourself.
[ He's been there. Hell, he's still there. He'd probably have gone for an easy way out right after the break-up. ]
It sucks and it's gonna suck for a long time, and I get this place is what it is and you feel like you don't have the time to nurse a heartbreak when there's something terrible going on always. But I really do think you should get through it the slow, annoying way, because when you're through then you'll know you can get through it.
Not really? I mean, when it first started happening I didn't even realize I was doing it. I think because I'm a receptive empath, when this new thing started it was like self-defense, maybe? I started giving people feelings that were easier for me to handle, so like, welcoming new students or whatever I just made everyone feel less nervous.
[ He doesn't love it, but he knows it can help so he's been working on getting better at it. ]
One on one it doesn't really tire me out at all, unless the person's feelings are really intense or if there are a lot of them.
[ Like Jon, who still feels like he's possessed by a thousand screaming souls. But Nate has a normal amount of feelings, it should be fine. ]
[ Nate nods, and sighs. It's not what he wanted to hear, but it's maybe what he expected to hear, and maybe that's why he hadn't already acted on this. ]
I wish that didn't make sense. I'd like to just...not feel crazy, for a minute. You know? Not be freaking out because my friends, or their friends keep dying, not be sad about losing someone who mattered, and just be...fucking normal. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again. I hate that.
There's that too, but mostly I mean you take on this role of like, the person to go to when there's a problem. Which means you never have the time to have a problem yourself.
[ Caleb's not judging it at all, he gets it. He also gets it's not the healthiest approach. ]
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But... ]
I don't know.
I'd like to think I wouldn't have. That I'd have made the choice I knew was right, because all of this...it was bigger than me. And even if it wasn't, I've always hated the thought of...of holding back because someone else said so. My family had reins on me my whole life, and I always fought it. I wouldn't want to be with someone who did that same thing.
[ He hesitates, then sighs. ]
I wish I'd had the option. I feel like the choice was taken away from me, like he gave me an ultimatum that he never told me about. If I'd known it would break us then at least I could've actively made that choice, instead of having the floor pulled out from under me.
It's like I failed a test that I never knew I was taking. He knew what I was doing for months, I talked to him about it. And then I was in jail, after, and he didn't even speak to me until the day before I was released. He said he'd been affected by the portals, like I was, but I know that only lasted for three days. It still took him almost another week to even talk to me, and I just--
[ He cuts off, having grown increasingly passionate as he spoke. This has been his whole problem. The more he thinks about it all, he's not just sad. He's angry, and bitter about how it ended, angry with how Stephen treated him. ]
We signed a permanent contract. In like, June. Which was two months after I told him what I wanted to do. So he entered that contract knowing my plans, and yet I go through with them and he decides that's it, better break the contract. I feel...lied to. And I hate. I hate feeling this way, it builds up in me like a poison every time I think about him.
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He doesn't attribute deliberate maliciousness to it, though. Emotions are messy, sometimes they just happen. ]
It's okay to be pissed, but I think— did he say he meant to leave you all along? Because it's different if he knew and failed to communicate it, than if the consequences were, unexpectedly, a lot for him to deal with.
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[ Nate shakes his head, punctuating his words, and there's no disguising the distaste in his mouth for this next part. ]
He said, "you actually did it". I don't think he was planning to leave me all along, I think he wanted to talk me out of it. And when I did it, that's when he called it quits.
But the thing is, that's...it's exactly the kind of shit my family would pull. He said that he doesn't think we're right for each other. That's where I think he's right, honestly. I can't be with someone whose price for being with me is that I use my magic only how they think I should. It's the very thing I was trying to escape when I wanted to leave home.
I just never thought that was Stephen. Especially considering he knew my plans when he signed that contract. I thought that meant he'd accepted what I was doing, not that he was just hoping to manipulate me out of it.
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Yeah, that's really not a healthy approach to a partner doing something you don't like. I know break-ups suck, especially coming out of a longer relationship, but it sounds like you're already doing what's best for everyone involved.
Have you talked to him since?
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[ Nate takes a breath. ]
I'm still his Dominant. The city let us break the permanent contract but we have to stay in a temporary one for three months. Then he can find someone else. So I asked if he needed anything, and tried to be like, cordial. And it just devolved into a fight because--
[ He laughs, and looks down. ]
Because I'd moved out, right, I let him stay in the house? But he started looking for an apartment he was gonna get. Except he didn't tell me that, even though I'm still his Dom, and when he finally did tell me I freaked out because it's another thing he just didn't communicate with me about. And it brought up...all of this, the anger. The resentment, the bitterness. And I hate being that person, I hate feeling this way.
[ And that, really, is why he's here to talk about it now. Everything he's said so far, it's context. He looks up at Caleb, and takes a sip of that coffee. ]
I, erm...Hope Mikaelson, she killed a guy on the Network. It was someone important to Nick and to Kyle, and they're...well, I love Nick. And Kyle's important. I wanted to take care of them and I didn't want to be obsessing about Stephen while I did. And this...
I'd talked to this other girl. Goddess. Persephone. She wanted someone to remove her ability to love, permanently. I said no, but. I did...make a potion to take away the heartbreak she's feeling now. Talking to her and doing that, it made me think. Maybe I would be happier if I removed my heartbreak, too. And then when Nick and Kyle needed me, I asked Anna to do it, temporarily. And she did, and it was like...
God, it was like this weight was lifted from me. But it all came back after, and ever since that. I'm tempted to take that potion myself, kind of...unbind myself, from all those feelings.
[ He pauses, collecting his thoughts, and he chews his cheek. ]
I don't know if that'd be like. Cheating. Or if it's a good idea, like. Should someone get a free pass from heartbreak? Should I let myself feel all of this, even the...bitterness and anger, because it's somehow better long term? And then I thought, maybe the person I should talk that through with is you.
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[ He met Hope once, and he knows Nick and Anna, so he has a good picture of what that's been like. He's been wondering if he could help, turn Hope's feelings back on or something, but his control is still shaky at best and he really doesn't want to be added to the body count.
That's not the point right now, anyway, the point is the break-up and heartbreak and whether or not wiping emotions off with magic is healthy. ]
I don't think it matters if it's cheating or not. I don't really understand magic, but I understand feelings, and heartbreak and it's a whole process. I think we need it. I think... if we try to skip a step at the end of it it all feels like a puzzle with a missing piece.
[ He's thinking about his ex, it's been months now but it still feels fresh, like a fresh wound, like the slightest poke at it will make it burst open and all these feelings will come out. ]
It's— you need to give yourself permission to be angry and bitter. There's nothing wrong with that, he hurt you, you're allowed to be hurt. There's catharsis there too, you know? Not like, screaming and punching walls, but just acknowledging that you were wronged and it's fucked up and it's okay to be mad about it.
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I know. I don't think that I'm wrong to feel that way, I just.
[ He hesitates, letting out a breath. It feels like an easy way out. He thinks, if he does it this time, then the next time someone breaks his heart, he'll find it even harder. But then, couldn't he just remove that pain, too? Why would he live with pain if he doesn't have to? Why would anyone? ]
I hate feeling this way. I hate it, I'm...miserable. And I could just, not be. Instantly.
And the thing that holds me back most is thinking, what if he changes his mind and then my feelings are gone? And I know I shouldn't...even think that, but. I am.
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You can't control what Stephen does or doesn't do, you gotta make choices based on what's best for yourself— Uh. I don't think in general that getting rid of your feelings is what's best, but I don't know how it works.
Is it a blank slate? Like, would you remember your relationship but not how you felt about him? If you thought back of your first kiss would it be like... I don't know, thinking back on a movie you didn't care about either way?
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I can't tell you that unless I try it. But what I think it does is, it leaves the memories but it washes the feelings from them.
So I'd remember that kiss, but not how I felt about it. I'd remember being with him, but I wouldn't still love him, and if I didn't love him, then I wouldn't be missing him, or be angry at him.
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[ Caleb knows he would personally hate it, but he's an empath, if his memories weren't splashed with emotions then they'd feel fake. ]
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I thought so. Before.
But when Anna did it temporarily, it just felt like this weight was lifted from me.
I don't know if those good memories are worth how bad I feel now. They're tainted by it. Thinking about them just makes me miss him more.
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[ It'd make sense for it to be. Caleb's only ever had one, but he felt every single one back at his high school, so he figures he has more experience than most. ]
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Yeah. Stephen was my first serious...anything.
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[ He's been there. Hell, he's still there. He'd probably have gone for an easy way out right after the break-up. ]
It sucks and it's gonna suck for a long time, and I get this place is what it is and you feel like you don't have the time to nurse a heartbreak when there's something terrible going on always. But I really do think you should get through it the slow, annoying way, because when you're through then you'll know you can get through it.
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What if I can't, though? Like what if I actually can't?
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[ He breathes out. Trying to think about what he wished he'd had back when his break-up was an open wound. ]
And if it gets to be too much, I think I can dull it. It's temporary but it wears off less suddenly.
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Wouldn't that strain you? I didn't think it was any easier for you than it is for Anna.
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[ He doesn't love it, but he knows it can help so he's been working on getting better at it. ]
One on one it doesn't really tire me out at all, unless the person's feelings are really intense or if there are a lot of them.
[ Like Jon, who still feels like he's possessed by a thousand screaming souls. But Nate has a normal amount of feelings, it should be fine. ]
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Caleb, if I didn't have really intense feelings that constantly feel overwhelming to me, I probably wouldn't be in therapy.
[ His fingers twist around each other. ]
You really think I should ride this out?
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[ He meets Nate's eyes. He really does think riding it out is the best option. ]
I think you'll be better off in the long run, yeah. It's not easy, but I think it's important to let it run its course.
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I wish that didn't make sense. I'd like to just...not feel crazy, for a minute. You know? Not be freaking out because my friends, or their friends keep dying, not be sad about losing someone who mattered, and just be...fucking normal. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again. I hate that.
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[ Nate's name is the first that comes up whenever anyone needs help, it's got to be a lot of pressure. ]
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You mean like, work? I've been accused of overworking, sometimes.
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[ Caleb's not judging it at all, he gets it. He also gets it's not the healthiest approach. ]
I think you could use like, a vacation.
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That's the point, though, isn't it? If I haven't time to have a problem, then I won't hyperfocus on it and let it take over my life.
And if I took time off, then...fuck, I'd just spend all my time thinking about Stephen, probably.
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